Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
