About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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