That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
