the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
