how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
