My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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