There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
