I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
