I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
