the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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