everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
