Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
