So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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