I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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