I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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