Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
