My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
