Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
