i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
