Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
