My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
