I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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