How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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