I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
