I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
