The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
