He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
