Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
