Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize