Life is so much better after having sex.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
