Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
