I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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