his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize