I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
