Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
