So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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