I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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