So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
this hospital has no fireball
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
