If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
