Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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