he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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