i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
