Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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