The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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