Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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