time to smoke my breakfast
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
