Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
