it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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