I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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