I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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