I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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