i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
