she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
