He disabled his match.com account in front of me
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
