True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
