My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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