ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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