I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
