Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize