True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
