How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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