Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
