this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
