Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
