I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
