He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
