We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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