I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
this will be a night to untag.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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